Graduation

I had graduation this past Friday night. It still doesn't seem real. College has gone by so fast. I'm not ready to enter the "real world" yet, though. I start graduate school in January in Health Promotion. My family and Matt's parents came Friday afternoon and we had dinner at my apartment before graduation. It was quite the spread: pork tenderloin, baked beans, roasted sweet and white potatoes, broccoli slaw, Captain Rodney's dip, butterfinger dip, salad, pumpkin pizza, nutella cake cookies, and a bananas foster parfait. It was all so delicious! I enjoyed doing food at my apartment much more than going out to eat.

Renee came as well!

My two wonderful brothers.

My amazing boyfriend

My wonderful parents

Matt's sweet parents

Incredible brother and sister-in-law

I had a pretty awesome set up at graduation since I'm still crippled. I got to sit on a couch behind the stage and go up to walk when it was my turn. It would have been nice to actually watch graduation, but it would have been a lot less comfortable. After graduation I got to open gifts. I was so overwhelmed by everything I got. I was not expecting anything at all! I have such an amazing family! 

Flowers that Paul and Stephen surprised me with

A waffle maker from my parents! Matt and I made waffles yesterday and they were delicious. I'm excited about experimenting with different concoctions!

Renee gave me a beautiful necklace!

Matt got me a coat! I have been looking for one but haven't found one I liked. I absolutely love this one!

He also got me a set of pumpkin plates and a pumpkin bowl! AMAZING!

Matt's parents and grandparents gave me Mississippi State dishes! I don't have any, so I was definitely excited to get some!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had such a great day! It meant so much to me that my family and Matt's parents came to celebrate with me! It makes me very sad to close this chapter in my life, but I am excited for all the opportunities that await!

Surgery: Round 2

Most of you know that I had surgery back at the end of January on my right knee and that I have had problems with that knee ever since surgery (different problems than what the surgery was for). I stopped running completely in August to try to get it better. Even with rest and rehab, I was seeing no improvement in my right knee and my left knee started bothering me from cross-training. I was having the same problem in my left knee as I had in my right knee before surgery: plica. I stopped cross-training completely so my left knee could get better. Over the past few months, I have been on an anti-inflammatory, had a cortisone injection in my left knee, and had 5 knee fluid injections in my right knee. I saw hardly any improvement. Even though I was not doing any cross-training and I was on the anti-inflammatory and icing 3 times every day, I was still having pain walking and standing. We made the decision to do surgery on both knees. I would have the plica removed from my left knee and have my right knee cleaned out. The surgery was Monday morning. My parents came down Sunday night, and I was so glad to have them here.

Right before surgery

 Surgery took about 45 minutes (I think). I didn't stay very long once I woke up, maybe only 20 minutes. We went back to the hotel after surgery, but they didn't give me any crutches. Fortunately, the hotel had luggage carts!

 Matt came before surgery but had to go back to campus (30 minutes away) to take an exam. After his exam, he came back over and brought me my medicine and crutches. Walking with the crutches is difficult and not very helpful since I still have to put weight on both my knees.

Renee came and saw me yesterday afternoon. She is such an amazing friend and really brightened my day! The first surgery I had, she also had surgery so we were there together. It definitely wasn't the same without her there this time, but I am glad she didn't need surgery!

I love her!

We can be a little weird sometimes.

 The surgery was successful! The doctor removed the plica from my left knee and removed some loose cartilage from my right knee. I am in a little more pain than I was after my first surgery, but it is probably because I have to put my weight on my knees when I move around. I also haven't had much of an appetite since surgery, which didn't happen last time. Hopefully my appetite will return soon because it is not enjoyable feeling like I am forcing food down. Matt has been absolutely amazing through all of this! He has helped me so much and with such a good attitude! Renee said last night that he wins the "boyfriend of the year" award. I have to agree :)

Hopefully I will be able to walk by graduation Friday night!

Living by the Spirit

Growing closer to God should be the top priority in a Christian's life. I wish that was just as easy to do as it is to say. I have been a Christian for many years now and I still find myself asking the question, "How do I grow closer to God?" We can go to church, do good to others, abstain from sin, read the bible, and pray, but are those things enough? Those are all great things and they are all pleasing to Bod, but simply checking those things off of a list does not bring us closer to God. God can't be reduced to a checklist. Growing closer to God has a whole lot less to do with any action we might take and a whole lot more to do with positioning our hearts toward His. We are to position ourselves with empty hands and eager hearts, communicating with our intentions and attitudes that we are willing to deny ourselves.

One way to grow closer to God is by making a sacrifice for the sole purpose of growing closer to Him. Luke 9:23 says "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I have been sacrificing unhealthy eating habits (binge-eating) and unhealthy food not only for my physical health, but also to help me grow closer to God. I am trying to become more self-disciplined and grow in the fruit of self-control because those things both honor God. The fuit of the Spirit (love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) is evidence of God's Spirit being in you. Self-control is hard. I'll be honest, I don't enjoy denying myself and it is very difficult to make sacrifices, but fortunately I have the power of the Holy Spirit: "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature" (Galations 5:16).

As a Christian, I have the Holy Spirit living in me. Not only does the Spirit live in me, but He is active and provides power and strength that is beyond what I can possibly muster up on my own. So how do I live by the Spirit? One way is to read the Bible with the intention of putting into practice what I read while asking the Holy Spirit to direct me in how to do this. It isn't easy relying on the Holy Spirit to direct me into wise choices; it isn't easy to put Scripture into action, especially Scriptures about self-control; but it is possible! Living by the Spirit is so much more fulfilling and rewarding than living by my own strength. And the reward of growing closer to Christ is worth the cost of denying myself.

(Some of these words are not my own. They are taken from the book Made to Crave)

Paving a Walkway of Prayer

I have now made it 5 weeks without binge-eating! This is huge for me!
When I started this journey, I had to realize that it wasn't about ending this habit or about the benefits that would come from not bingeing (not feeling the shame or guilt, feeling better about the way I looked, etc). I had to realize that it was more about an issue in my heart: I think about, crave, and arrange my life too much around food. I had to admit that I rely on food more than I rely on God. I crave food more than I crave God. Food is my comfort, reward, and joy. Food is what I turn to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness. I hated admitting that. I felt like a spiritual failure. But in order to change, I had to realize the issues that needed to change. To stop binge-eating, I have to address the issues that cause the bingeing.
In the book, Made to Crave, the author used her cravings for food (food that she should not eat) as prompts to pray. This was her way of tearing down the tower of impossibility and building something new: a walkway of prayer. This visual has really helped me. I haven't done great at doing this, but it really does help to use my cravings to binge as prompts to pray. And each time I pray and resist temptation, I am taking more bricks from the "tower of impossibility" and using them to lengthen my "walkway of prayer," paving my path to victory through the strength God provides. I have used this in other areas as well. With my knees, I have tried to use the pain as a prompt to pray. Each time I feel pain, I am reminded to pray for my knees. I pray that not only God will heal them, but that he will use this experience for my good and for His glory, that He will teach me and grow me through this, and that others will see Him through this.
One prayer that I use is from Psalm 5:3:

Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Saturated in Truth

I wrote in my previous post that God made us to crave, but the object of our craving was never supposed to be food or other things people find themselves consumed by (sex, money, chasing after significance). The word craving is defined as something you long for, want greatly, desire eagerly, and beg for (dictionary.com). We were made to crave God. Only God. Satan, however, wants to do everything possible to replace our craving for God with something else. He has used food in my life to replace my craving for God, and unfortunately I have given in too many times, turning to food instead of God as my source of comfort and joy and craving food more than God. In the Garden of Eden, the serpent (Satan) lured Eve into eating the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:6). Satan also tempted Jesus while He was in the dessert with multiple things, including food (Matthew 4:1-11). I find it interesting that the bible talks about food being used as a temptation to replace God multiple times. It's also comforting to know that I am not the only one who has been tempted in this way. Eve gave in to temptation because she was saturated in the object of her desire; Jesus overcame temptation because He was saturated in God's truth. The more saturated we are in God's truth, the more powerful we will be in resisting our temptations.

One thing I have been doing a lot of this past month is memorizing scripture and repeating it throughout the day. It amazes me how many verses there are that apply to my struggles with food. God's Word is definitely living and active! I hope to share many of these verses as I continue writing about things God has been showing me through this bible study, Made to Crave. I will leave you with one verse that can be applied to many different areas of struggle, Romans 6:12-13:

Do not let sin control the way you live. Do not give in to its lustful desires. Do not let any part of your body become a tool of wickedness to be used for sinning. Instead, give your bodies to God since you have been given new life, and use your whole body as a tool to do what is right for the glory of God.

(Some of these words are not my own. They have been taken from the book Made to Crave.)

Finding My "Want To"

It is ironic to me, and probably many of you who know me, that I struggle with binge-eating. I am graduating in December with a degree in nutrition, plan on getting my M.S. in health promotion, and want to become a registered dietitian. I know a lot about healthy eating. I know the benefits of eating healthy and the consequences of not eating healthy. I know what my body needs and I know how to take care of my body. I want to motivate others to eat and live healthier lifestyles. So why do I, someone who has so much knowledge about health (I still have much more to learn) and has a passion about the health of others, struggle with a habit that is very harmful to my health? It's not the "how to" I have been missing; it's the "want to"... really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice, really wanting to turn from this evil habit and turn to obedience to Christ.

In Matthew 19, a rich man comes to Jesus and tells Him that he has been following all the rules, but wants to know what he still lacks. Jesus tells the man to sell his possessions and give to the poor and to follow Him. The man goes away sad because he won't give up the one thing that consumes him (Matthew 19:16-22). This story isn't just for people who have a lot of money; it is for any of us who are consumed by something other than God. I have to admit that I have been consumed with food more than God; I have craved, thought about, desired, and taken comfort in food more than God; and my struggles with food have kept me from following God. Just like in the story about the rich man, God wants me to give up anything that I crave more than Him and to follow Him.

God made us capable of craving so that we would have an unquenchable desire for more of Him, and Him alone. In order to change, I must make the choice to redirect my misguided cravings to the only One who is capable of satisfying them. Overcoming my struggles with food is not just about changing physically; it is also about changing spiritually. I cannot change myself, only God can change me. But I have the ability through His strength to make choices that honor Him. Through much prayer, God has given me the "want to," the desire to change and to give up my bingeing in order to follow Him with an undivided heart.

*Some of these words are not my own. They have been taken from the book Made to Crave.

Made to Crave

Those of you who have been reading my blog the past couple of years know about my struggles with binge-eating. I want to give some updates because God has really been teaching me a lot through this struggle the past couple of months. Last spring, I started seeing a sports nutritionist and got my bingeing under control for a couple of months, but after being home for about a month, it started again and got increasingly worse toward the end of the summer. I thought that getting back to Starkville would help because I could get back into my routine, but things only got worse. I was bingeing almost every night and severely restricting during the day to make up for it, which led me to binge again because I had restricted my calories so much. There were days that I could go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating anything. I felt in control. But I would lose all control at night, eating more food than the body is meant to consume in a day, much less in one hour. This just led me to restrict the next day. It is such a vicious cycle. Not only was I physically exhausted from dealing with this, but I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted from the consequences of this cycle: I constantly felt shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, weakness, and defeat. I felt like breaking this habit was an impossibility.
I began a bible study with some ladies at my church 6 weeks ago called Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food. This study has been one of the most life-changing studies I have ever gone through. I have learned so much about myself and about God's truth. It has been extremely convicting and challenging. I want to share the many things I have learned through this study in posts following this one.
A couple of weeks after starting this study, I met with the leader to share my story with her. She is someone I have looked up to while at First Baptist Starkville. She is a strong woman of God, a great Christian example. Many years ago, she struggled with binge-eating, and she overcame the struggle. This gave me hope. When we met, she offered to be my accountability partner, which I knew I desperately needed if I wanted to get better. She challenged me to define my "form of abstinence" that would help me give up my bingeing. Since I struggle the most at night, I decided to give up eating more then 1 thing after dinner. I can have 1 snack after dinner, and that is all. She told me I had to text her every morning and tell her how I did the night before. I knew this was going to be difficult, but I already felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.
Accountability, along with what God has taught me through this study, has helped me so much. I have gone almost a month without bingeing, which is huge for me considering I had not gone more than 3 nights the entire semester without bingeing. Knowing I have to text my accountability partner the next morning has helped me so much. I do not want to text this amazing Christian woman who I really look up to and tell her I didn't do well the night before. I still have a long way to go in this journey, but each night I go without bingeing, I feel more empowered, not by my own strength, but by God's strength alone.
I don't want to make this post too long, so I will post again about what God has shown me and how he is changing me. I want to share because I think that when God reveals Himself to us and teaches us, we are to share that with others. Blogging is one way I want to share how God is working. Thank you so much for reading my blog. Hope you stick around! More to come!