Bearing my Soul

I have struggled with whether or not I should post this. After some prayer for wisdom, I decided that posting this would be beneficial to me (to get some things out, to break pride, and to hold me accountable) and to those who read it (for anyone who is struggling with a similar situation).

I have read a couple of blogs recently about when the author began to struggle with self-image and how she has dealt with it since. It got me thinking about my own story, so I thought I would share.

Warning: This will be open, honest, and long...

It seems like most girls begin to struggle with self-image at a very early age and especially struggle in their teenage years. I won't say that I'm any different, but I really didn't have much of a problem with the way I looked growing up, even in high school when it seems like most girls do.

Growing up, I was not a healthy eater. I remember how I used to eat a candy bar and drink a mountain dew every day and not even think twice about it. When I went out to eat, I didn't care how many calories may be in what I ordered. I ate many times a day, and when I would eat, it was a large amount. When I was younger, I would actually brag about how many cookies or chips or slices of pizza I could eat. But this kind of stuff never affected me in a negative way.

I never worried about my weight or how thin I looked or what I ate until college.

I think it all started once I got on the team. I had never been around so many girls who were thin and fit. It was hard to go to practice every day with all the girls wearing sports bras and spandex. It was especially hard at races seeing even more girls in skin tight uniforms with amazing athletic bodies. I really began to pay more attention to my body and find things wrong with it that needed to change. I started to compare myself to other girls: "she has better legs, she is so thin, look at her abs!"

This is also when my relationship with food changed. I had started eating healthier as a senior in high school, but it was because I wanted to and realized it was good for me. Now, I was eating healthy so I could look like other runners. I began to feel guilty if I ate dessert or something unhealthy (but I still ate plenty of desserts). I began to count calories (but I still ate a lot of food).

Since my freshman year, my struggle with my self-image, my weight, and what I eat has escalated. The first thing I do when I see a girl is compare myself to her. This is so bad and so wrong! I have really tried to make my eyes just look at another girl's eyes instead of looking at her whole body and comparing and lusting after what she has that I don't. Just looking at eyes is extremely difficult to do. The way I eat is also messed up. I eat healthy during the day. I feel like I eat balanced meals and don't restrict myself. My struggle usually begins at night. It's like I can't turn my hunger off after dinner. There are many nights I will binge eat and then have feelings of guilt, anger, regret, and shame. I will vow to not do it again, but then the next night I lose self control again. It is a terrible cycle to be in!

Last semester was very hard because I gained weight. I had to go on birth control last December for my own health (I am not on it anymore), and the combination of that with how I was eating resulted in weight gain. Knowing that I had gained weight was hard enough to deal with, but when my coach said something about it, it became even harder. You would think that would lead me to eat better and not binge at night, but it just got worse. As my eating habits got worse, my self image got worse; as my self image got worse, comparing myself with people got worse. This was a vicious cycle in which I couldn't escape.

It made it harder that I knew things I were doing were wrong, but I felt like I couldn't fix them. I knew overeating was wrong, I knew comparing myself to others was wrong, I knew hating my body was wrong. I knew none of these things pleased God, yet I continued in my ways.

Things got a little better as I began to develop relationships with people who challenged me, encouraged me, and who I enjoyed being around (Renee, Kate, Nathan, Ashley, Mrs. Melita). The time I spent with them and the relationships I had with them somehow helped me in my eating/self image/comparing struggles. The relationships I formed at Sky Corral helped as well. I actually felt like I was getting better.

I thought that I wouldn't struggle very much with everything while I was in Starkville this past month because I wouldn't be around many girls who I could compare myself with, and I would be spending time with some close friends. Unfortunately, things got worse. I was by myself at my apartment the whole month and actually didn't spend very much time with friends (mostly due to studying). Being alone and having that much time to myself was not good for me. My night binges began again which led to a worse self image which led to comparing myself to people more often.

I struggled during this time so much because all of this was affecting my relationship with God, so I didn't feel close to Him, which made me hate myself even more. I wold pray for self-control and for Him to give me strength, but when temptation came, I fell because I was still depending on my own strength and giving in to the desires of my flesh.

I have turned all of this over to God. I am praying so hard for self control. I am depending on His strength because I am so weak. I am asking for His eyes to see myself the way He sees me. This past week has been great. He is answering my prayers, and I feel like I am getting better. I am definitely still struggling, and I will probably fall on my face many more times, but God is faithful and will pick me up. I have been studying James 1 this week:
"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

I am trying to be joyful in the midst of my struggles because I know God is using this to teach me and mature me. His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. So I will boast about my weaknesses so that His power may work through me. When I am weak, then I am strong because of Christ's strength in me!

As you can see, this struggle has been very difficult. Without Christ in my life, I don't know where I would be. I would be in an even deeper pit with absolutely nowhere to turn. Because of my relationship with Him, I can turn to him in my times of struggle and difficulty. I can't even imagine where I would be without Him!

I have only opened up about this to a few people. It scares me to post this because of certain people who I know read my blog. I don't want to disappoint them, and I don't want their opinion of me to change. But I realize that being open about struggles and weaknesses is a good thing and needs to happen more often among believers.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results." James 5:16