Time Trial

All week I have been planning on posting today, and I was hoping I would be able to say that I rocked both of my work outs this week and that everything is going well. Unfortunately, it would be a lie to write those things. We had a hard interval workout on Tuesday: 8X1000's with 60 seconds recovery. This is different from any workout I have done because of the short recovery time. I felt really good the first 6, but died in the last 2. Even though I didn't finish strong, I was happy with the workout and how I did.

Today was a 2 mile time trial. I was very nervous because we had a standard to meet: 11:45. I have not run that fast in a very long time because of my iron deficiency last year, so my confidence levels were very low; but I tried to stay positive because I knew I had done all the training this summer. This time trial was meant to show the coach what kind of shape we are in so he can know how to make our training schedules. The girls who met the standard were able to get the team gear, but those who missed the standard only got training shoes and have to meet another standard at another time in order to get gear.

I missed the standard.

I went out and ran 5:50 for the first mile, which is the fastest I have run in a very long time. I still felt good, so I wasn't too worried about the second mile. Apparently I slowed down a lot the second mile without realizing it because I came through at 12:02, I think. I was devastated, humiliated, and disappointed. I know I can run 11:45. I have done it during a 5k when I still had over a mile to go, yet I couldn't do it today. I don't know why I got as upset as I did. It took all the energy I had not to cry in front of everyone, and I am not a person who cries.

The coach talked to me later and said I should not beat myself up over this. It's ok to be disappointed in my time, but I should not be disappointed in myself (so much easier said than done). He said he was proud of me for how far I have come since last spring and for the shape I am in and that he has complete confidence that I will be able to reach the next standard and run well this season.

All the things he said helped, but I am still disappointed in myself, and I am angry that I have done all the summer training and worked so hard but haven't seen the results I want. So many girls did well today, but it was so hard for me to be happy with them. It was extremely hard to watch them go through all the clothes and shoes they got. However, I am excited for them because I know they have worked hard, and I know they are going to do amazing this season.

After thinking a lot about this morning, I realized one of the reasons I was so upset was because of pride. I am usually the one offering words of encouragement to those who are upset, but it was humbling to be the one who needed encouragement today. God is doing a lot of work in my life right now that is stripping me of pride. While this is painful and not fun to go through, I am thankful because I want to be humble. God does not want to use prideful people. Pride keeps us from depending on God because we are too confident in our own strength. I want to be humble so God will use me and so I will rely on Him instead of my own strength.