Growth Through Trials

I have not blogged in quite a while. Honestly, I have not been able to think of things to write about and the ideas I think of, I talk myself out of writing because I don't think people care to read them. But I decided that I will just write about some things that have been going on. It may not be the most positive post, but it will be honest.

This semester has been very difficult. Classes have not been bad, but I have been struggling in a a lot of areas. I have not run in 7 weeks now, and I'm still not seeing improvement in my knee. I spend at least an hour in rehab Monday-Friday, ice 3x/day, and take an anti-inflammatory every day. I still have pain whenever I put weight on my knee and my other knee started bothering me a couple of weeks ago as well. There have been so many times where I have almost given up, but I keep going because I want so badly to get better. Apparently God is not done with whatever He is using this injury for.

I am in such a low place right now with my injury, my bingeing struggle (unfortunately I have been struggling with this a lot), uncertainty about my future, and not feeling a part of anything (don't really know how to explain this one). I feel weak, helpless, lost, and confused. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, but all I see is darkness. I know God is present and cares, but sometimes I feel as if He has given up on me.

On to the good stuff! I am learning so much about the holiness of God, the grace of God, and the sovereignty of God. I am also learning about the wickedness and evil in my heart and how desperate I am for the power of Christ. I want to elaborate more on each of these, but that would make for a very long post, so I may do separate posts about what I have learned in each of these areas. The only reason I am still grinding through each day is by the grace and strength that God supplies and the hope I have in Him. I know He has a wonderful plan for me, and I know that He is using everything I am going through to conform my character to His and to bring Himself glory. For now, I will leave you with a poem I read that really encouraged me and reminded me that God is still present and still at work. It is somewhat long, but the words are beautiful!

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of his salvation know
And seek more earnestly his face.

'Twas he who taught me thus to pray;
And he, I trust, has answered prayer;
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that, in some favoured hour,
At once he'd answer my request,
And by his love's constraining power
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart,
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea, more, with his own hand he seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe,
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this? I trembling cried;
Wilt though pursue this worm to death?
This is the way, the Lord replied
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I now employ
From self and pride to set thee free,
And break they schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may'st seek thy all in me.

John Newton
"Prayer Answered by Crosses"