Made to Crave

Those of you who have been reading my blog the past couple of years know about my struggles with binge-eating. I want to give some updates because God has really been teaching me a lot through this struggle the past couple of months. Last spring, I started seeing a sports nutritionist and got my bingeing under control for a couple of months, but after being home for about a month, it started again and got increasingly worse toward the end of the summer. I thought that getting back to Starkville would help because I could get back into my routine, but things only got worse. I was bingeing almost every night and severely restricting during the day to make up for it, which led me to binge again because I had restricted my calories so much. There were days that I could go until 3 or 4 in the afternoon without eating anything. I felt in control. But I would lose all control at night, eating more food than the body is meant to consume in a day, much less in one hour. This just led me to restrict the next day. It is such a vicious cycle. Not only was I physically exhausted from dealing with this, but I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted from the consequences of this cycle: I constantly felt shame, guilt, anger, self-hatred, weakness, and defeat. I felt like breaking this habit was an impossibility.
I began a bible study with some ladies at my church 6 weeks ago called Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food. This study has been one of the most life-changing studies I have ever gone through. I have learned so much about myself and about God's truth. It has been extremely convicting and challenging. I want to share the many things I have learned through this study in posts following this one.
A couple of weeks after starting this study, I met with the leader to share my story with her. She is someone I have looked up to while at First Baptist Starkville. She is a strong woman of God, a great Christian example. Many years ago, she struggled with binge-eating, and she overcame the struggle. This gave me hope. When we met, she offered to be my accountability partner, which I knew I desperately needed if I wanted to get better. She challenged me to define my "form of abstinence" that would help me give up my bingeing. Since I struggle the most at night, I decided to give up eating more then 1 thing after dinner. I can have 1 snack after dinner, and that is all. She told me I had to text her every morning and tell her how I did the night before. I knew this was going to be difficult, but I already felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.
Accountability, along with what God has taught me through this study, has helped me so much. I have gone almost a month without bingeing, which is huge for me considering I had not gone more than 3 nights the entire semester without bingeing. Knowing I have to text my accountability partner the next morning has helped me so much. I do not want to text this amazing Christian woman who I really look up to and tell her I didn't do well the night before. I still have a long way to go in this journey, but each night I go without bingeing, I feel more empowered, not by my own strength, but by God's strength alone.
I don't want to make this post too long, so I will post again about what God has shown me and how he is changing me. I want to share because I think that when God reveals Himself to us and teaches us, we are to share that with others. Blogging is one way I want to share how God is working. Thank you so much for reading my blog. Hope you stick around! More to come!